Give Until You Get It

Sometimes, I get a bit overwhelmed in life by the things I can't seem to control.  It was part of the downfall for me in my last marriage.  Since then, I've worked hard to separate those things I can do nothing about from those things over which I do have dominion.  And I've been pretty successful at separating that kind of wheat from its chaff.

Today, for the most part, I felt less successful at it.

I had a client whom I was unable to immediately bring pain relief.

I received an email back from a City Council member indicating that we are going to just sit by and wait for damage to be done to the old RPD building and grounds instead of attempting anything proactively to better keep transients out of that area.  (I can just about hear the echoes of the chain link fence already as they begin to scale their way in.)

My daughter is still radio silent in my direction.

Despite being conservative in my use, my electric bill was ridiculous this month.

Finally, this afternoon, I ran screaming from the building, to get a little sunshine, and to get some errands accomplished.  So fast was my escape, I did not even change clothes, leaving still draped in exercise pants and a winery T-Shirt.

As I was stuck in traffic, I mulled over all these things which were making me cranky.  I began ticking off the list of things I could do...

While I was waiting in line at the courthouse, I tapped out an email to my pain-ridden client and gave him some more exercises that may help his situation.  I've given them to him before, but I decided that the reminder might spur him, and let him know that I care.

I sent my daughter an email simply telling her I love her and I miss her.  That she will not respond is not my issue, letting her know I love her is.

When I got to REU, where I had to show up in person in order to resolve a long-standing confusion over which suite in this building is mine, I also paid a utility bill that is twice what I paid this month last year.  Some of that is because business is booming, and some of it is just plain I-don't-know.  But I decided to pick my chin up off the floor about it, and be grateful that I am more than able to make the payment.  Then I watched a woman in another transaction counting out coin change-- a lot of it-- to pay part of her utility bill.  I decided it was more than I could bear to watch, and I paid her bill, too. In addition to the joy of giving, it put some things in perspective for me electrically speaking.  My bill may be bigger than it was last year, but it is nowhere near as huge as what this woman had to pay.  I need to do a better job of remembering how blessed I am to be where I am at, even in its occasional imperfection.

When I went to the market, I grabbed the few things I needed, and was hoping to slide right out and on to other things.  My line was slowed up by another woman who was paying for her groceries with coupons, vouchers, and change.  I'd been saving my tip money this week to buy a kayak.  I can't tell you how much I don't care that my kayaking plans are on hold, because six kids are going to eat AND have fuel in the family car during this last week of the month.  Every time I go to the market lately, I come out with an enormously heavy heart over the cost of food, especially when I put it in perspective of so many families I know who have kids to feed.  Lately, every time I go to the market, I take extra money with me in the hopes that I can help someone else out, too.

And it's not that I share these things to get a pat on the back, or be called a nice person.  There are so many more things I do in secret, and at infinitely greater sacrifice, that I will never tell.  I give, because it's the right thing to do.  I'm telling you all about it, because I feel genuinely compelled that someone(s) out there need to hear this message.  I am learning more as time goes on that my gift to write is not just about composing and arranging words to my joy and satisfaction, it is because sometimes people benefit from what I choose to share.

Anyway, I finally got home, and as I was entering the building lobby, I realized with both equal measures of joy, and concrete reality, that I am pretty much broke for the week.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

But what I know about this life and the laws of reciprocity, deeds in this universe don't often go unrequited.  In my mailbox, I found gifts from Dutch Bros.  One of my Dutch Babies ordered me a new tank top and new lids for my flasks.

I got a little teary at the generosity and thoughtfulness.  With my own kids off doing their own thing, my nest feels horribly empty sometimes, and the abundance of love that a bunch of baristas show me completely blesses and overwhelms me sometimes.  

While I was getting changed into the newest addition to my ninja wardrobe, there was a knock at the door.  Already, my head was a-twirl with the fear that I'd forgotten a client, or something else equally dreadful.  What I was met with instead was the mother of the girl I helped down on the street yesterday.  She brought me flowers.  We hugged.  We laughed.  We cried.  And I was grateful.  Grateful that I was here to help her daughter yesterday.  Grateful that I had a chance to tell this woman that it's going to be okay, that she WILL make it through this thing called motherhood.  

Ultimately, what I think I gleaned from my adventures today is that no one really gets through life purely on their own steam.  Whether it's helping others in crisis, blessing their financial needs, or even just touching lonely hearts, we don't make it through this life on our own.  We are all in this together.  And isn't that a great thing?