Attitude is Everything, Even if You Have to Borrow Someone Else's

Last week I was in Shopko, trying to find a swim top that would contain my busty self. I learned this is not an easy task in August in Redding. I just wanted to find something that would stay put, convey comfort, and that was C-H-E-A-P.

Consumer options are limited on the best of days in the Redding retail world. I believe that the presumption on the part of retailers in Redding is that by August, everyone who’s gonna be suited up, is suited up. And maybe that’s true. It wouldn’t be the first time I didn’t deal with the season’s wardrobe needs until half past the season’s change.

The swimsuit selection was narrowed down to a single small rack of suits that clearly just weren’t going to sell. There wasn’t a single top in my size. Frustrated, I wandered over to the sports bras and found something attractive, which honestly, meaningfully covers more of me than any of those swimsuits would have.

By this time, I was feeling pretty burnt out. Shopping wears me out on a good day. I was tired and nauseated to boot. And then there was the whole seeing myself in the dressing room mirror thing. I look fat(ter) without my hair. My skin hangs off my face. The dark bags under my eyes make those orbs look haunting. I dragged myself to the checkout counter feeling like 180 pounds of death-warmed-over-crap-on-toast. No matter, it was really the perfect accompaniment to the pity party I’d been pitching myself all day like it was time for high tea with the queen.

As I approached the cashier, a smile drew across my face as she commented on my head scarf—a blue, yellow and green number with a “Peace” and “Love” design on it. “You really do that scarf some justice,” she said.

Noting her name on her name tag, I said, “Thanks, Val.” I wasn’t feeling too hospitable. I just wanted to get out of the store.

“My sister wore scarves like that when she was getting rid of her cancer.” This made me perk up. It’s not all that often that I hear people use vernacular similar to mine. I refuse to say that I “have” cancer, because it feels like then I’m admitting that it has me, too. I’m not going there.

I smiled at Valerie again as she handed me my change, and told her to have an awesome day. Valerie looked at me again and said, “You smile just like Aimee did, too. You’re gonna kick this thing.”

I thanked her and walked toward the door. Like Aimee “did”?

I exited the building, bracing myself to take on the next challenge of recalling where I parked my car. As I was scanning the parking lot, I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. Startled, I turned around and faced Valerie.

Quickly, almost furtively, Valerie asked me, “Can you come back in on Wednesday or Thursday next week? I have something I want to give you.”

I was a little confused as I answered her tentatively, “Sure?”

Recognizing my reluctance, Valerie explained to me that she wanted to give me a scarf that belonged to her sister, Aimee. She told me how Aimee fought off cancer and lived another two years before she was randomly hit by a drunk driver while crossing a street in Sacramento.

I didn’t even know what to say to that, but agreed to come back and meet her.

When I returned to Shopko earlier this week, I met up with Valerie, and she gave me the scarf, as promised. Upon reflection, I don’t know that I had any expectation of exactly what kind of scarf she was talking about. As Valerie handed me an ordinary looking white bandana, I was struck by its simplicity.

I listened as Valerie told me about how much Aimee’s battle with cancer changed her own perspective on life, and how rich it made Aimee’s life as she made the most of two more years of “life’s second chance” by traveling, finishing her master’s degree, and designing her own home.

“We all live on borrowed time,” Valerie told me.

I don’t know that I agree with that. I believe we live in our appointed time. Our allotted time. But sometimes, I think we keep that appointment on borrowed faith and hope. I am grateful for those who share.